Miscarriage & Depression

Long post alert

Miscarriage.

Still, it is a touchy subject for me. Now I have a son who is 1.5 years old, Thank God. Side note, I have written this article n number of time and have deleted it too. For some reason, I couldn’t get myself to finish the article or even post it. This is no shame or hesitation in airing my dirty laundry. It’s just that the pain I went through and the time I took to come out of the depression was not a good part of me to share with. It involves too much pain, disappointment and desperation.

Andy and I got married in 2013 and moved to the US. I was in my mid 20’s when I had my first miscarriage. It happened two years after our marriage. At that time we were residing in California, it was just me and Andy. I was on a dependent visa, so my daily routine would be chores, watch TV, gym and study(I studied Technical writing & Interior Design). Mid-year we found out that we were pregnant. After a week or so, I had a spontaneous miscarriage. We were broken, we couldn’t process it. The doctor said that it happens sometimes without any reason at all. I didn’t feel like opening up to anyone else except Andy and my friend Deb. I did blame myself for the miscarriage, subconsciously I knew that it wasn’t my fault. But I couldn’t help myself from hurting within. I kept running through my mind, what did I do wrong? Andy kept consoling me, said that it is not my fault.

Soon I fell into depression and desperation. I was hoping to be pregnant following months. A year passed and reached my highest level of depression. I went into fertility treatment which was unnecessary and my doctor advised me ‘your not even 30, your still young and you should wait before starting the treatment’. The doctor understood my desperation. I went under treatment. Nothing worked. At that point, I understood that I am not happy. Lack of positivity and depression was hindering with my health. After a few months of treatment, I decided that I should grieve and move on properly. I should get positive to get pregnant. My depression was taking over my mind and body every day. Eating away my happiness, most of all our happiness. I started diverting myself, I cooked a lot and also blogged religiously. I made a planner and stuck with it. Blogged regularly. This did help me come out of depression slowly. Used my Technical writing certificate and did an unpaid internship. I wasn’t bothered about getting paid, just need to busy all day. It took me a year to feel better.

Dec 2016, we travelled back to India to settle down. Soon tragedy hit us again. even before we could catch our breath it happened soon. By January we got settled in Chennai. I was just getting ropes of living in Chennai. Don’t get me wrong, though I didn’t have any domestic help in the US living there was easy. Finding my way and getting into a routine was hard at first then I learnt. The very next month we found that we are pregnant. We were on cloud nine. We were happy and relieved to be pregnant again. I felt pathetic to be relieved. We should be celebrating yet this was a relief. I also started a new job much against my family’s wish while I was pregnant. A month passed and everything went down south. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and I miscarried again. The doctor stated that it was an unhealthy pregnancy. Physically it was traumatising than my previous miscarriage.

Long story short, I soon fell into depression. I blamed and hated myself extensively. I didn’t want to blame myself, I was pushed to blame myself. Though Andy was putting up a brave face for me, he was broken too. In the phase of depression, I did stress eat. But I did give me ample time to grieve. It helped me. I also spoke to Andy openly how I felt. We started supporting each other.

Believe it or not, an Instagram post helped me get through depression.

‘Start acting happy, even when you not happy. Happiness will become your habit and become your lifestyle. Before you know, you will be happy’.

I started acting to be happy for three reasons. Number one, I didn’t want Andy to be sad on my account, he was helpless. Number two, I did not like to be pitied by people around me, yes it made me seem stone-hearted. I am not a crier too. Number three, positive thoughts for a positive outcome. I had to quit my job. I immersed in freelance writing and blogging work. it took me a year to heal mentally and physically. I made a few lifestyle changes to, healthy eating and exercise. Healthy lifestyle pushed me towards positivity. I opened up to my friends more this time. I started hanging out with them more. Andy was being supportive throughout this process.

To our surprise, we were pregnant for the third time with Matt. I was terrified through the entire term of pregnancy. That feeling of uneasiness was lifted once I got to hold Matt.

Matt is short for Matthew, meaning ‘God’s gift’. We did stay spiritual throughout my depression and our pregnancy.

For anybody going through fertility treatment, miscarriage or any other tragedy. Be hopeful, this to will pass. everything will get better one day.

One small request to everyone reading this very long post. If you know someone depressed. Give them time to open up. Be there for them. If they finally open up to talk, listen to them patiently with zero judgment. When your listening with judgment, it would be hard for them to start talking. Most depressed people hit rock bottom when they don’t have someone to talk. A depressed person requires someone to talk with rather than a quick solution. Don’t be so quick to say, ‘I told you so’ or ‘you should have done that’ or ‘its all your fault’. These statements will make their state of mind worse. Just listen.

(Being depressed made me miss few friends and family happy milestones. Couldn’t be there for a friend when they’re going through something dire. You will miss being in reality, later on, it will hurt. Don’t be ashamed to get help or lent help. )

I have amazing friends and a very patient husband, who got me through my tough times.